Midnight Contemplations
by Misticore
Summary: Allen Schezar reflects on how he feels about Hitomi before and now that she's gone.


Midnight Contemplations

By: Idria

Disclaimer: I do not own Escaflowne or any of its characters or merchandise. I am not making any money off of this story.

Warning: POV, possible OOC, AU

I'm supposed to be an honorable Knight of Heaven. Yet, I have done many things in my life, both before and after I came to bear that title. Not all of those things were good, but I have followed my heart ever since I became a knight. Except once…

I was drawn to Hitomi from the beginning. I didn't realize at first why. The first time I saw her, she was unconscious on the ground in a forest. Of course I would help her, she was in distress. Who knew what could happen to her if I left her there? I wasn't about to take that chance.

As I got to know her better, I became even more drawn in by her. She wasn't particularly beautiful, but beauty isn't all there is. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she wasn't pretty in her own right…but she wasn't exactly what someone would expect a Knight of Heaven to be interested in.

Still, I kept my distance. She showed signs of being interested, but at the same time she sent a mixed signal of disinterest. And, I must say that I did enjoy the cat and mouse games that Millerna played with Hitomi…only because it got a rise out of Hitomi and made her show that she was ill at ease with what she perceived as my relationship with Princess Millerna. The princess and I had no relationship beyond friendship, though I'm sure that she would have liked us to have one. I loved her sister and I still love her sister, though she's been dead for quite some time.

It seems to be destiny that I lose the women in my life that I love. At least I was able to regain my sister, Celena. The unfortunate part is that she's Hitomi's age, but stuck in a childlike mentality. It's like she never grew older than five. I worry each day that Dilandau will force his way back into her life, either intentionally or unintentionally. I'm quite careful not to mention him or his Slayers in her presence.

Still, every other woman in my life has either died or left me. My mother, my first love, and Hitomi. I loved them all dearly and I miss them all just as dearly as I loved them. The first time that Hitomi left, I convinced myself that I only liked her at all because she was my sister's age and I actually felt brotherly feelings for her. But, nobody who feels brotherly feelings for a girl will ask that girl to marry him, will kiss that girl in such a way that is not familial at all. It was just my way of hiding my pain, explaining it away and burying it deep inside.

I felt such joy when she came back, such relief. And then I realized it. She was not in love with me, though perhaps she thought she was. Either then or before or both. She was in love with Van. I was happy for her, I encouraged the relationship, wanting nothing more than her happiness, even though my heart was aching.

That day that I was out in the field with Celena, looking in the direction that Fanelia would be in, I saw the familiar blue pillar of light that appeared whenever Hitomi came or went from Gaea. I was happy for her, yes, she was going home. It must have been her final decision. I didn't know if she'd ever return, if she'd ever be able to. At the same time, I wanted to cry. I would most likely not see her again. It would be as if she were dead. I would be unable to see her, touch her, speak to her ever again. She would never see me, touch me or speak to me ever again. I would be unable to hear her voice except in memories. I never did cry. I stood and smiled with my sister. She wouldn't understand if I started to weep and at the time I didn't know how to explain.

She no longer exists on Gaea, though those whose lives she touched will never forget her. I wonder sometimes if she's alright, if she's in danger and needs help. Or if she's thinking of us…especially if she's thinking of me. Yes, that's selfish. But, I can't help but wonder. I know that Van loves her just as much as I do…and I know he must be hurting as well. I can only sit awake on nights like these, so clear and with the stars out and the Mystic Moon high in the sky and wonder where on that heavenly body is she right now. Is she sleeping or lying awake as well?

I love her and I miss her, but I hope she's alright. I can never see her again, I think. I have come to this conclusion, it's been five years. If she were going to return, she would have done so by now. Still, I find myself searching for the pillar of light that brought her to and from this planet, sometimes when I should be doing other things.

I will never completely get over Hitomi. I know this. Her face and the sound of her voice will never dull from my mind and they will haunt me forever. But, it's better than the alternative. Forgetting her completely. That…is something that I refuse to do, now or ever.


End file.
